No one can remember how it happened, but somehow someone got hold of God's phone number. Then someone had the bright idea of inviting him round...
So God came to dinner.
Guest list:
Albert Einstein
Watson and Crick
Galileo
Ricky Gervais
Barack Obama
St Augustine
Socrates
Shankara
Bill Gates
Ken Wilber
Eddie Izzard
That french woman who got burned
The Beatles
Pamela Anderson
Winston Churchill
Confucius
Terrance McKenna
The Pope
He really was an impressive sight, all biblical in proportions - 11ft tall with an absolutely huge toga and giant white flowing beard. He intitally spoke in a huge booming voice saying things like "How art thou", stepping on things and quickly knocked over a very important Ming vase. After he'd found his bearings, settled down and started talking up to date English.
It was a lovely meal and after desert and wine, with many of the guest relaxing on sofas, God lit up a cigar and kicked back.
Seeing this, Ringo Starr popped a question he'd been wondering about - [Liverpool accent, please] "So...Mr God, what's going on here, like? I mean, why did you make the Universe and everything, you know?"
"Well" said God leaning forward, clearly taking a shine to Ringo, "It was an accident really. Never actually meant it to happen. We were making something, you see, and there was a huge explosion - knocked me for six I can tell you - and there it was. Kind of ran away on us so we just left it to do it's thing, you know. Definitely not one of the deliberate ones we made. I mean, doesn't mean anything or anything."
"We're working on a whole new model right at the moment, actually. Got big plans this time. We're going to make a completely different Universe with a solid purpose, you know, a bit of chutzpah!" said God slapping his leg with a chuckle.
"Personally I find this one a bit annoying." God sat back, took a puff on his cigar and frowned. "It's the cosmic radiation you see - plays havoc with my sinuses."
< long stunned silence >
"Er.." said Winston Churchill interjecting,"...sir, would I be incorrect in my understanding - you are indeed saying the origin of everything - of all creation - was in all truth an accident?"
"Yes, yes, yes indeed an accident" God boomed and wheezed. Then turning to Alicia Silverstone and St Augustine squeezed in to his right, he chuckled warmly "Why do you think it's so full of holes!"
"Mamma mia" said Galileo and Pope simultaneously.
Pamela Anderson started thinking out loud - clearly quite distressed and on the verge of tears"...but surely it does mean something - I mean - you...your... your God"
"
MEANWHILE:
Unbeknownst to our dinner guests that very same night, a huge experiment that had been running for a decade by a global consortium of scientists finally came to a close - and the results? They conclusively and irrevocably proved that there was never and could never have been a God and the entirety of creation doesn't mean anything.
So the next day the news headlines and TV networks went mad, the world stopped as scientist, theologians and pretty much everybody else went at it arguing about the man who came to dinner - was he or wasn't he God, and anyway if he doesn't exist, or if he did exist and was telling the truth, the science proves it - The entire universe and the history of creation as we know it is just a random fluke.
Once the hype dies down and it all sinks in, it's a stunning development. Everything - the entire history of creation itself and all it contains and has ever contained - is one giant fluke and doesn't mean anything.
So now what?
Part II: Everything is Beautiful (Me Going on a Rant and Being All Serious About Part I)